I’m a Colossal Mess… So What!
Well, that was last night at least. And part of yesterday afternoon. Oh, and about 2 weeks ago too. Or was that last week? I am losing track of days here. Please tell me I’m not the only one who can’t keep track of what day it is! I imagine I’m not.
And I doubt I’m the only one that is experiencing mini or colossal melt downs these days.
C’mon, you know you’re out there! If you’re not feeling a bit emotional these days, then maybe you’re just better at ignoring your feelings. I used to be that way. I could shut down my feelings as good as anyone. But I honestly don’t think it helped. I got pretty good at pretending I was okay and then hiding out in my apartment using anything to numb myself. Anything being wine, tv and gynormous amounts of popcorn.
But these days I find it easier to feel all of it. Sure, it sucks when I am in it. And I don’t think it is all that fun for my husband. But I do know 2 things:
1) I know it will pass.
I know it will pass because whatever the story, the belief, the thinking that has me all up in my head and in tears will inevitably change. Sure, the thinking looks real to me when I am in it. But it is like looking at something through a paper towel roll (well, maybe an empty toilet paper roll). I know I am looking at life through a very narrow perspective and through a filter of shitty thinking. It might appear to me that in those moments I am separate, I have no support, everyone else is finding ways to contribute except for me, other people are successful and I am not, we will never get our barn built and have our horses and animals on our ranch, I have no inspiration, and basically, I suck.
(I have to say that writing that was really fun. Because I am not in it at the moment, and I can see from the outside that my little pity party is a complete illusion.).
Thoughts pass. And if I remember that whatever story or current belief I am in is made up, then when my thinking settles I can see so much more. I can see more clearly. I know it is made up because if I can’t see it, touch it, hear it, smell it or taste it, It is not in my current reality. It is just a thought. Sure there are a lot of thoughts about the current pandemic, and how that is impacting my work, and our finances. But focusing on what I cannot control is just as good of an idea as beating my head against the wall. The only thing it does is give me a headache.
2) I am not connected to my inner intelligence. I lost touch with my wisdom; and I forgot that I am a creative force to be reckoned with.
And you are too.
You see, inside of every human being is the creative force of the universe. I sometimes call this my inner GPS, Wisdom, innate creativity, or simply Love and Joy!
There is an intelligence to life that is so much more powerful than my personal thinking.
Personal thinking is restricted to everything you have already experienced. That, in and of itself, makes it limited! When I am caught up in my personal thinking I inevitably feel separate, insecure, lack trust, see things as problems that need fixing, make judgements, and I am completely disconnected from my life force, my well of creativity and my innate resilience and wellbeing, my Love and Joy. Those are all the ingredients I need to create myself a perfect colossal meltdown.
So let’s come back to the intelligence of life… We are made of energy. That energy is the force that makes the earth rotate around the sun. It is what makes the stars and the solar systems. It is how birds know when and how to create a nest for their eggs.
All you have to do is spend some time observing nature and you will see the intelligence of everything around you. There is a universal organizing energy and intelligence that creates everything in life. That is what you are made of. That is your nature. You are a creative force to be reckoned with. Me too.
This morning, just 14 hours after my colossal melt down last night, I remember who I am. Energy… in the form of a human being, with all the characteristics of that energy… creative, resourceful, intelligent and knowing, resilient, and connected to all things.
Rather than looking at the things I can’t control and comparing myself to others, I find myself listening to what is alive inside me. What needs my attention, what wants to be expressed? What does Love and Joy have to say about what I see?I know that by listening to what is inside me, I will ALWAYS have the answers to navigate life.
The universal organizing energy and intelligence that I am made of can figure anything out. It always does. Just as a flower can grow toward the sun, even through a bed of rocks, we too can figure out how to handle what life brings. This I know is true.
So, if you find yourself ever feeling like a colossal mess… so what! Me too sometimes. It will pass. Trust me. Get out in nature and let your thinking settle. I’d even invite you up to Oak Lea Ranch if we were not under social distancing orders. But heck, you can come visit when we are allowed. Until then, I’d be happy to talk any time to point you back to who you are. You are not a colossal or even a wee-little mess. You are the creative force of the universe forgetting who you are and what you are made of… LOVE and JOY, WISDOM and infinite CREATIVITY.
Written by Julie Stuart